Absolutely Absurd: ThanksKilling (2009)

Yeah. You already know what to expect from this film, don't you.  I can't very well say that i was expecting anything brilliant. But you know what? I really enjoyed this garbage. I was chilling with my little brother and one of my high school friends and we decided to watch a movie. We went ahead and got onto Netflix and found this movie: Thankskilling. The film opened up and spend five to ten seconds setting up a back story with text regarding the first Thanksgiving. And then... well. The cover for the film didn't lie. The cover for the film actually boasted that there were "tits in the first seconds of the film". Hey you know what that was cool. But it wasn't more than a minute of pilgrim nudity that our antagonist shows up. The fucking turkey. Who delivered the first spoken line of the film, "Nice tits... Bitch!" and with that, chopped the girl up with an axe (off-screen) and set the tone for the whole movie... WE... WOULD NOT... SHUT UP ABOUT THAT LINE FOR THE REST OF THE MOVIE. But there was more after that. we get introduced the main cast and get to see some of the most ridiculous jokes in the history of horror. I guess that is why this movie was fun. It was bad. No doubt. But it was not trying to be good. It was going for ridiculous and did wonderfully. and even ended on a "yes there will be a sequel ;)" note with a "To be contiinued.... IN SPACE" Yeah this one was great.

WASTING TIME!: Eaten Alive (1977)

What I wanted to see.

What I got to see.... Throughout the
ENTIRE movie.
(Also, the exact DVD version I ended up buying)

OK! I wonder if... AGH! I had higher hope for this movie then I should have. I know that. But I fanboyed at the idea of a Tobe Hooper (director of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) movie featuring Robert Englund (Nightmare on Elm Street). WELL! I was severely let down. I really only watched this movie because it was 2 bucks over at my Half Priced Books, and I was looking for an excuse not to watch more of Lucifer Valentine's "Slaughtered Vomit Dolls".  Anyway, I sat down to watch this movie, and expected a masterpiece like TCM, but... well... It was very much the same style of directing. But it was not nearly as frightening, and just as cheap and Tobe Hooper's horror classic. Robert Englund, who of course played the iconic Freddy Kreuger from all of our nightmares, was moderately entertaining in the film, but did very little to save this Texan-Horror-Letdown.

The film begins with a girl who is working at a brothel and doesn't want Buck (Englund) poking her in the butt, SO she gets fired and sent out on the streets to fend for herself when she comes across a hotel witch is owned by a crazy one-legged old man, and terrorized by a crocodile. I really would like to go on with the synopsis and were this a video review, I likely would, but the girl is soon sexually assaulted by the owner and thrown into the lake where we DON'T GET TO SEE HER GET EATEN ALIVE BY THE CROC!!!!  I'm sure you can understand the disappointment. Several other character are introduced and quickly killed, INCLUDING THE GIRL FROM THE BEGINNING'S DYING FATHER who has been looking to find her and apologize.... so yeah, THAT plot didn't go anywhere. But eventually the remaining females in the hotel throw Mr. Crazy into the lake with the Croc and he is Eaten Alive and we are left with a shot of his wooden leg floating in the water.

I have a suspicious feeling this was actually meant to be better than it was. But to hell with it. This was really just me stalling from having to review Slaughtered Vomit Dolls and the rest of Valentine's Vomit Gore Trilogy. Anybody who reads this, please just wish me luck. And perhaps suggest other films to review in the future!

Splinter (2008)

Hey everyone. So I have been surfing the net in search of new films to view (or old ones if I somehow missed them) and saw on IMDB that the 2008 film, Splinter, got a 6.4 out of ten stars in its user review. So I'm sure any normal person who read that would think, "Gee, 6.4 kinda sucks. And Pat's a moron," or something along those lines. But comparatively speaking, when looking through EVERY film in a genre especially if that genre is horror, 6.4 is pretty good. And man, am I glad my standards are that low, because this movie is surprisingly underrated.  It's one of those antagonistic virus/bacteria/micro-organism kinda movies with the like of Cabin Fever, The Thing, and every fucking zombie movie out there.  And it really follows through. It movie features a plentiful level of character development, and a movie monster premise that ends up surprising you even if you're ready for it. The gore in this one is good too without keeping the movie up all by itself, and the horror is not forgotten for even a moment in the film. This movie does not drag, is carries you along very well and doesn't let you get bored. I gave it a 8 out of ten. Definitely worth the watch.

Guinea Pig (1985)

So I finally got around to watching this one. One that now I'm disappointed to say has been on my watch list for a long time. Guinea Pig was the first of eight films in this Japanese gore series. An alternate title for the first film has been "The Devils Experiment" Since every film after this one claimed the same title as the first such as Guinea Pig 2: Flowers of Flesh and Blood, which I'm working my through currently. This film doesn't have much going for it other than the shock factor, which wears pretty thin when you start to realize that the female lead in this faux snuff film is not very convincing. I mean if I had the flesh in my arm get twisted with a pair of pliers, my reaction would be a little less like, "mhf >_< eh..." and a little more like, "AAAAHAAAGHHFFFFUUUCK!!!" or at least I'd like to think something like that would be normal. This film does have a nifty concept to it. "This is an experiment on threshold of bearable pain and the corrosion of the senses" dude. After that very promising (although unsettling) opening, i was really expecting more. I mean this really could have gone somewhere. Maybe sometime in the future, Quentin Terrantino will dicide to remake it as an actual fim. Or maybe even James Wan? (was that racist? I'm not sure. I dont think he's Japanese, but i doubt it'd mae a difference (he DID do Saw after all)) I'm sorry I didn't mean to double parenthesize.  But As it is, the movie not really worth the look because like I mentioned but didn't go into detail about, this has been on my watch list for a while BECAUSE I thought I might not be able to stomach it. But the gore is actually very tame. If you're a horror fan like me its not worth the plastic the dvd used to distribute it, and if you're a gore freak like me, then watch it anyway and sit through to end of the forty something minute feature till the needle scene. GET YOUR KICKS and have fun with it. i might do a review of GP2 FOFAB but I'm not sure it'll be worth it.

Arachnid (2001)... ON VHS!!!

One of my players broke my copy of
"Killer Clowns From Outer Space"

Okay. So I'm sitting at home alone with my kid. And after giving him his bottle, I decided i wanted to watch a movie (very little else i do anymore). I figure I might as well watch a horror movie since those are my faves and I wander into my study to see that I left all my VHSs on the floor sprawled out from when I wall trying to fix one of my ANCIENT VCRs. Anyway I look to the ground and in a totally "fuckit" moment i see Arachnid and decide "Ok, I'll watch this one uh-huh uh-huh." I put it in and get to sit through the Preview. ::sigh:: on a VHS video. COMING SOON TO THEATRES and all that mess for movies back in the early 2000s. Always Fun.  Now I'm not really going to review this movie in the traditional sense because... well... its not really worth reviewing. The acting is terrible, the guns look like toys, and the plots very mismanaged. The Spider was really cool though. I wasn't sure about the year when I watched it so I was expecting CG monsters (which used to suck) but instead I got to enjoy crappy practical effects and a fairly decent monster spider.  But what this post is really about is VHSs. I have a whole separate collection of VHS horror movies on my shelves and I pride myself on that fact. And they're so cheap to buy now (yes i still buy VHS movies). Because why not spend a buck or so to watch some two-bit horror movie. I'm not sure how much two bits is, but I'll assume its somewhere around that much. I watched Aliens on VHS not too long ago, perhaps earlier this week and LOVED it (I'll Likely right about them too after seeing Prometheus). But I love those movies anyway. And there's something nostalgic about watching movies on cassette. I hope I start getting comments on these because I know people are reading them. AND I'D LOVE SOME FEEDBACK!